Penny's Jottings

The sun is shining brightly and the wind warm on my face

but Kathleen’s here no longer she has left a sadder place

We went to pay respect to her to sing her one last song

to say farewell and rest in peace, attempting to stay strong

We heard the stories of her life, the things that she had done

her spirit, her humanity and her lovely sense of fun

as we listened we felt her presence, her character shone through

each person relived their knowledge of the Kathleen that they knew

The feisty, fun and smart Kathleen, The Mum, the Gran , the friend

The loving wife, the dancer,  actor, music lover to the end

The chapel was full of people saying their last tearful goodbye

The chapel was full of goodwill and love and I think that i know why

Kathleen was kind with a generous heart, a real community treasure!

She’ll be missed, but remembered with warmth and love and pleasure

My daughter’s getting married and I’ve begun to feel the stress

There’s wedding stuff all over the place and I haven’t got a dress

The list of jobs is endless and the seating plan’s not done

bridesmaids dresses all need hemming, is this supposed to be fun?

My daughter’s getting married and we are all  in quite a flap

It’s only four weeks until the day!  I need a nanny nap

there’s bows to put on favours and candles to be bought

the menu’s quite an issue and needs a lot of thought

there’s flowers and drinks and bow ties and baskets for the girls

and will we have our hair straight or a mass of lovely curls

Vows need our consideration and what music would be best

will the page boy wear a suit or a matching little vest

my daughter’s getting married and I hope the day goes well

Ah!  she is glowing and she’s happy, as anyone can tell

But me! I am panicking, my hair is such a mess

and I need to go out shopping to buy myself a dress!

so tired, tired, tired

Tired of my thoughts battering me, hurting me, challenging me

tired of violence and victims and sadness

tired of war and fighting and insidious behaviour

tired of dashed expectations and disappointment

tired of hopefulness unrequited, no hope

tired of lies and childhood secrets, shattered lives

tired, so tired of the narrative of trauma

tired of the sun shining brightly and the moon shining nightly

just tired

Goodbye old friend

you’ve left a space, a hole, which used to be your place 

you’ve left a quiet, a noiseless sound, which once was filled with you around

no nails scratching on the floors, no snuffling, snorting, sleeping, snores

no silent begging with lifted brow, no presence, not here, all quiet now

no nudging lazy hands to pet, no scared aversion to getting wet

no mournful eye or listening ear, no watchful stance when food is near

no sniff filled walks with territory marked, no growling growled and no barks barked

and now you are gone there’s only me, remembering how it used to be

when you were young and full of joy, a glorious beagly, bouncy boy

we had good fun across the years, you shared my joy, my pain my tears

my house is now clean no fur detected, no poo on the lawn, all food unprotected

no bowl, no bed, no food, no treats, no leads, no brush no fleas no greets

goodbye old friend

I just went down to Bosahan Woods and they were blue, who knew! How blue

bluebell blue, startling blue, lit by dappled sunshine peering through

How long since I have seen that blue , smelt that scent of spring

seen the squirrel climb the branches heard the songbirds ring

checked the turned earth entrance to the badger’s secret place

enjoyed the breeze, heard the stream, felt the warm sun on my face

The swing on the tree brings echoes of childish joyful screams

and the many games of pooh sticks on the bridge over the stream

a well loved spot that fills each sense with scents and sound  and views

and the colour of the wild flowers, of various brilliant hues

But I forgot to take a camera!  So before it starts to rain

I have to get my shoes on and go back to the woods again.

stop the world I need to think, to rest and get my life in sync

i need to reflect on what I’ve done, what I’ve lost and what I’ve won

Where I’ve been and where I’m going, where I’ve shrunk and where I’m growing

i need to consider my current state, who I love and what I hate

i need to stop my ‘human race’ and slow it down to a quieter pace

I need to spend a moment or two finding out what I want to do

time moves along with giddy speed, I never feel I’m in the lead

I dawdle I dream, I have no focus, my life is loose with no future locus

i just need some time think it through, is it just me? Or is it you too?

feeling sad tonight,  bone weary

a little off, not happy, feeling dreary

my eyes are stinging, feeling teary

not feeling like me at all

My mood is soulful, heart full of woe

my head feels heavy, my steps are slow

My shoulders hunched my brows are low

not feeling good at all

The normal me is missing, vanished from my sight

the normal me is upbeat, noisy loud and bright

the normal me, the happy me, is not with me tonight

Not used to feeling like this

Today I want to be alone don’t want to chat with friends

Just indulge my sadness until the feeling ends

The black dog bites,  all happiness suspends

my energy is spent

It’s Christmas Eve already and my minds in a dizzying spin

did I get enough food?  did I get enough gifts? did I throw the tape in the bin?

I’m making a list, I can’t check it twice,

keep losing the pen and that’s not very nice

wondering if I should have whisky and ice

its Christmas Eve already and my mind’s in a dizzy uproar

The keys in my hand and I’m off to the shops to spend all my money once more

dash round the aisles looking for stuff

buying up food, did I get enough?

overhead carols making it tough

Forgot my bags, they’re in the car

Cashier in red hat, thats going too far

wish the supermarket had a bar

days over and I forgot the cream, if i hear silent night one more time I will scream

Next year will be different, I’ll plan! nothing wrong with that dream!

Merry  Christmas to all!

so much to do

The supermarket rings with noise, people talking, children screaming, people on phones asking querulous questions.

music in the background pumping out tunes from the sixties and seventies, I know those tunes, I sing the words

Silence, hush, quiet

everything stops, no-one speaks or moves, no music. and suddenly I feel sad, I remember

I think of all the men and women who have suffered and died in wars, and all the men and women who have returned home in severe mental and physical distress

I reflect on the brutality of war and the futile waste

I imagine if my children or my grandchildren were at war and I feel tearful

I gaze around the supermarket, people standing still, wiping their eyes

we listen to the Last Post, poignant and moving, together in reflective pose

Then the supermarket rings with noise, people talking, children screaming, people on phones asking querulous questions.

music in the background pumping out tunes from the sixties and seventies, I know those tunes.

Lest we forget